With dating app horror stories, talking stages that lead nowhere, and meetups that feel more like job interviews, modern dating can make you lose faith in the entire process. Many of us forget along the way that dating is supposed to be exciting (or at least not draining). So, how can you rekindle that playfulness?

Anwar White, a seasoned relationship coach and creator of Get Your Guy Coaching, hears this frequently. “Some of the complaints are that no one’s really serious out there,” White explains. But what people often forget is that, while the voyage is centered on the future of your love life, it is also intended to be joyful in the present. However, “so many of us become hyperfocused on the results that make the experience lose its lustre, in a way,” according to White.

White and other relationship experts provide a few tips for rediscovering the joy of dating, whether you’re seeking for a quick fling, a long-term romance, or simply a pleasant night out that leaves you feeling wonderful.

1. Throw out the checklist

Most people already have a mental list of must-haves: ambition, emotional availability, good communication skills, and a few superficial ones like a specific height, job title, or hair color. While standards are important, rigorous checklists are one of the few things that may swiftly shift dating from exploratory to transactional.

“The fun of dating is this ability to step into someone else’s world—to find it interesting and want to know what that’s like,” says Fanny Tristan, a psychotherapist and the founder of Restority Space in New York City. Perhaps you meet someone whose work is vastly different from your ex’s or whose personality challenges you in a complementary manner. Tristan believes that while you’re having a good time, the traits that were once unquestionable tend to fade.

2. Go in expecting to make a friend

If you’re using dating apps, you’re most likely hoping for romance rather than a platonic connection. However, White suggests viewing each date as an opportunity to see if you actually enjoy their company: “This reframe helps so many of my clients just exhale a bit and not take this so seriously,” which makes it easier to show up truthfully and allow important conversations to flow spontaneously.

3. Make date nights something you already want to do.

If sitting through another compulsory drink or supper makes you roll your eyes, change your plans. “Be intentional about where you go,” advises Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, a trained sexologist and professor of human communication at California State University, Fullerton. In other words, find an activity or venue that you’d like even if you were alone, such as meandering through a farmers’ market, seeing a new movie, or making a reservation at a hip speakeasy you’ve yet to visit. This way, even if the chemistry isn’t there, you won’t be wasting your valuable time.

4. Turn flirting into a challenge

Finding your person does not have to be so serious or high-stakes. “Make a game out of getting to know people,” White recommends. Set a goal for yourself and your buddies to get at least two phone numbers the next time you go to the pub, or see who can open up the initial conversation with the gorgeous stranger sitting alone. According to White, this is a low-pressure technique for introverts to boost their confidence and practice putting themselves out there.

5. Set a 10–30 minute timer on dating apps

Finding your person does not have to be so serious or high-stakes. “Make a game out of getting to know people,” White recommends. Set a goal for yourself and your buddies to get at least two phone numbers the next time you go to the pub, or see who can open up the initial conversation with the gorgeous stranger sitting alone. According to White, this is a low-pressure technique for introverts to boost their confidence and practice putting themselves out there.

6. Use dating apps to practise banter

Dating does not have to be as serious as life itself. One of the simplest ways to reintroduce lightness into the process is through banter—playful, low-stakes teasing that builds momentum, tension, and chemistry. However, according to White, many people struggle with this, which is why apps may be a safe place to practice.

“When asked how you’re doing, instead of answering, ‘Good, how are you?’ “You can banter and say, ‘I’m better now that we’re talking,'” White adds. “Now it’s enjoyable. Instead of reading like a Q&A session, it now has a romantic flavor.

7. Lean into your hobbies—or join a group built around them

Remember that apps are not the only way to meet people. In fact, Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn believes that spending time in places you already appreciate can be one of the most natural—and unexpected—ways to connect.

If you enjoy reading murder mysteries, consider joining a weekly book club. Sign up for a local intramural soccer league if you’ve always wanted to be with someone who shares your sporting interests. Not only do these circumstances put you in a better mood from the start, she says, but “there’s the added bonus of potentially finding someone along the way.”

8. Remember to look for the silver lining

According to Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn, even the worst dates might provide significant information. Maybe getting catfished teaches you to do a quick social media check before meeting someone. Or a fling that didn’t work out showed you what effort looks like, or revealed you’re not compatible with someone whose work schedule doesn’t allow for connection. Walking away with even one small takeaway might prevent a disappointing date from feeling like a total loss—and give you faith that each bad experience will lead to a great one.