Your achievement equals my success. Certain norms, creeds, maxims, and attitudes contribute to strengthen and sustain the foundation of long-term loving partnerships. One principle that research clearly demonstrates is that, in the spirit of true mutuality, you should agree to negotiate win-win results with your spouse. Simply said, both partners’ attitude that “if it’s not good for you, then it can’t be good for me,” serves a larger purpose than one’s personal life: it benefits the relationship. If one partner wins and the other loses, both partners lose. Consider an intimate connection to be like a boat in which a couple sets sail. Is it sound, safe, seaworthy, and capable of transporting the pair on unforgettable journeys? The spouse who profits at their partner’s expense without anticipating, considering, or planning for their partner effectively shoots a hole in the boat they both cruise in. The sheer act of agreeing to create ‘win/wins’ promotes the success, longevity, and stability of a partnership. It promotes an attitude that conveys a consistent message of trust and commitment, stating, “I’ve got your back; you are my responsibility and in my care.” “The nearly four decades of relationship research Dr. John Gottman has conducted present trust and commitment as fundamental components of healthy relationships, noting “trust is the state that occurs when a person knows his or her partner acts and thinks to maximize that person’s best interests and benefits, not just the partner’s own interests and benefits,” and “commitment means believing (and acting on the belief) that your relationship with this person is completely ”The Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) developed by Dr. Stan Tatkin uses principles based on the latest science and suggests building a “couple bubble” wherein each partner is the most important person in the other’s life and whom each can always count on. Dr. Tatkin notes, “partners can make love and avoid war when the security-seeking parts of the brain are put at ease.” One part of the brain responsible for detecting fear and preparing for emergency events is the amygdala, which constantly scans for dangerous faces, sounds, movements, gestures, and contexts. Actions and declarations communicating trust, commitment, and the intention of a win/win can successfully disarm the amygdala.

The litmus test for making these kinds of judgments is to ask yourself, “Can I argue for what I want on behalf of my partner?” (And vice versa). If the answer is ‘no’, it is not a win-win situation and so provides an opportunity to preserve the boat you are traveling in together, known as a relationship.